- ,' I Never Thought ,' -
by Emako the wolf
Summary: Ginny just wants to explain what she went through, and how she felt throughout the years from her small years and beyond. Nobody truly understood, and even if they did, they certainly didn't know this. [One-Shot]


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I never thought that Harry would be the one to go. I always thought that he was as tough as a get-up.  
He was the love of my life - my soul - and my everything. Sometimes, i lay awake at night wondering how someone could go past the barrier that I've built in my heart after all of these years of being pushed aside. It boggles my mind how someone could so easily change my mind when I've spent so long telling myself to never let anyone get past me, and yet, here i am - sitting on my bed and staring up the the wooden ceiling of the burrow, crying my eyes out for the thousandth time.

Everyone always asked me how scared i was when Tom Riddle - Voldemort - had announced the love of my life dead as the whole school stood before him and his Death Eaters. I call him Tom you see - it's his real name and i promised since my first year that i would call him that.

 _"Tom," Eleven year old Ginny called to herself in a cold whisper, staring at the book in front of her with wide eyes. ohe stayed in her spot, frozen - no - petrified. As if Riddle was just going to jump out of the book and take her in with him._

 _"Tom come out! You can come out!" The girl called once more. At this point, she didn't care about being heard by the ghosts and flying books on the shelves, who bit students who were out of bed after hours._

 _Ginny was alone in the quiet part of the library, the candles on the wall lightening the small corner of the room. One would mistake her hair as the flame, the once innocent ginger locks that seemed to only put the flame in their place. She took a step closer, ignoring the fear whispering in her small ears that told her no, that told her to leave the book alone. To leave Tom alone. Ginny knew what he had been doing and she didn't like it._

 _I know what you've been doing,_

 _Ginny wrote, her writing shakey with fear as the tears slipped down her cheeks, droplets falling onto the paper. It made the ink spread, but Ginny hoped that Tom was clear on what she was saying anyways._

 _You know nothing, girl. Mind your place. I'm the only one you have, you know._

I listened to Tom. The way he would constantly remind me how lonely i truly am. How pushed aside in my life i felt to the point where my mother seemed to be my only friend. She always wanted a girl, you see. And after six kids she finally had me, Ginevra Weasley. But i go by Ginny. Suits me better don't you think?

Anyways.

Tom always found me at my most vulnerable. And i never told anyone but sometimes, i could see him looming over me as a slept at night. Sometimes, i could see him staring at me from across the dark rooms i was occupying at the moment. But worst of all, i could see him at random times, staring at me while im in class. There had been many times i could see him. He would make hand gestures from across the room at me when we made eye contact. But nobody else could see him. Only me.

 _Ginny swallowed, her doe brown eyes trying her best to concentrate on the parchment in front of her in Transfiguration. She was scared to look up, and to her, it only proved what Tom had kept drilling into her head the other night. That she was weak. That she was just nothing but a scared little girl that wished she had a friend._

 _"Weasley," A voice hissed. A familiar voice that Ginny had heard for many nights before. The voice she heard every night before she went to sleep._

 _Ginny froze, and her eyes slowly went up to the room, but in front of her, she saw nothing. She swallowed a lump that had formed mercilessly in her throat - but it seemed that the only things she seemed to swallow was the rest of her courage. The little courage that she had been trying to build up for the longest time._

 _"Ms. Weasley?"_

 _A different voice. Much more feminine. Much more soft, but strict at the same time. But it was far more comforting then the voice that had called out her name previously. Ginny tried to convince herself that it was the voice that she had heard the first time, but she knew it not to be true._

 _"Yes, Professor?" Ginny spoke quietly, the attention of the class having been gained as McGonagall's voice had rang around the room to call out her name._

 _At first, Ginny hadn't looked up at the old woman, but soon she did. And behind McGonagall, whom was standing in front of Ginny's desk, there he was. His well known smirk plastered across his face and his cold grey eyes narrowed in at her._

 _'Pathetic,' Tom Riddle mouthed to her, putting a finger to his mouth to gesture for her to stay silent._

 _Ginny's breath hitched, and her eyes had held complete horror. Fear. And it was like her heart had been reductoed into the void. The tight squeezing of the inside of her chest increased and she didn't know her next move. She didn't know his next move either. He just stared at her, judging her, mouthing to her._

 _The world around Ginny was growing darker, and before she had blacked out, she saw the form of Tom Riddle, waving her goodbye as her body fell out of the classroom chair and onto the floor._

 _"Someone get Madam Pomfrey!"_

I never told anyone that i could see him. I had never even told anyone that i could hear him, but just see what he had written to me in the diary. Nobody ever thought much of that part, other then the fact that he controlled me. But not in the way that everyone clearly thinks. No - he controlled me in all ways. He controlled me physically, and mentally.  
Tom often told me that he would take away everyone i loved from me. He told me that he was all i needed for the rest of my life and that i needed not to worry about the others. About my brothers, who took to ignoring me because i was a girl. My mother and father, who just couldn't understand me no matter what i seemed to say, and Harry - the love of my life, whom Tom actually took from me during the final battle.

When Harry died, i felt myself fall, calling out his name loudly and refusing to believe what i was hearing. When Tom called out Harry dead, seeing him in Hagrid's arms, i looked into the eyes that were once a cold grey, and now, a piercing blood red. It was like i could see the same smirk that he had given to me many times before when i would need it the least. When i was the most vulnerable. And it was like at that moment, Riddle's triumphant face as he called out the the entire school of Harry's death, it felt like he was taunting me. As if with the look in his eyes he was telling me that he had succeeded on doing what he had promised - taking away the one that meant the most to me.

Most people didn't see me as someone who took such trauma and forced a smile on my face. But after the diary, i had vowed to not make myself as what Riddle had told me i was for the year. I had told myself that i would try and make some friends. Friends that weren't just words that appeared on a page - promising me the attention and the friendship i desired.  
I always felt kind of pathetic, really. How my only friend was a damn book. That's what Riddle told me. That my only friend was my ink and quill and the empty pages of a book.

It seemed every time i wrote to Tom, i held my breath as i waited for his reply. Like my anxiety was skyrocketing like one of those muggle space cars. I hated Tom, but i felt like i had to love him because he was all i had. He would punish me when i asked him why i was waking up with blood on me and couldn't remember what i had done or how i got there. I feel low, how for years i had spent watching my older brothers head off into the train on their way to Hogwarts, excited to go back as if it was the most happiest place in the world. And how i would beg my mother to let me go with them, even if i was too young to do so. But my very first year, as i rode on the train to what i thought was a magical fantasy land, i quickly had that ripped away from me when i could barely even remember any of what i was supposed to experience for the first time. It wasn't at all what i had thought. What my brothers had made it seem to be.

 _"Mummy, Mummy!" A little redheaded girl called, tugging onto her mother's skirt and looking up at her with excited brown eyes lit up like a Christians tree._

 _"Ginny, dear, I'm cooking breakfast, what is it?" Molly replied to six year old Ginny, smiling just a little as she set down the last of the crisp bacon from the pan onto the plate that resided on the kitchen table._

 _"Mummy, i packed my baggie, when do we leave?" Ginny asked her mother. She wanted to follow her older brothers to Hogwarts as well, so she held up her plastic bag, filled with her teddy bears and her broken toys._

 _Molly chuckled at her youngest child, but then sighed. She hated to be the one that brought the bad news to her own child, but she couldn't keep pretending all morning that she was actually leaving for Hogwarts._

 _"Now Ginny..." Molly began, picking the little girl up into her arms and balancing her on her hip. "You are too young for Hogwarts, dear. Just five more years and you can go with your brothers like you want. But how about me and you and Ron bake some cookies and pies later tonight?"_

 _The disappointment was evident on Ginny's face, but she slowly nodded at her mother's words, now wondering what to do with her bag filled with second hand toys and a ripped up teddy bear who's stuffing was close to falling all out._

 _"Good. Now get dressed, sweet one, we have to leave soon."_

Every year, i loved to watch my brothers leave for Hogwarts, but as a grew older, i started to get less excited for it because i hated to watch them go to somewhere so great that i could only lay in my bed at home and imagine what it would be like there and what it looked like. So i tried to turn my head away a couple of times when they would walk onto the train, but i could never seem to look away as the red engined machine pulled off after letting out a huge whistle.

I had Ron when i was at home. Bill and Charlie having moved from home a while ago and we always used to play during the summer while Percy, Fred, and George were off at Hogwarts. Me and Ron were the closest together because all we had was each other - even if we didn't see eye to eye. I remember getting mad at Ron when he had ripped up Chewy, my stuffed bear that dad had gotten me at his job at the Ministry of Magic. I was so mad that i ignored hm for about two hours that day, but i quickly became lonely when i couldn't exactly play hide and seek by myself. Though that certainly didn't stop me from trying.

But as Ron left for Hogwarts, i was left alone the summer before my first year. And all i had was a ripped up Chewy, whom Ron had tried to fix by sneaking Mum's sewing kit. But by the time i was ten, it seemed my imagination had gone downhill and i felt lonely all the time. I started spending time with my dad for a while, But he had to work to keep us from going even more poor then we already are. We may not have a fancy mansion like the Malfoy's or the Parkinson's, but i liked my house because it was weird. And different. And unique. And i always seemed to have a fascination with weird things.

I remember standing at Kings Cross Station, having heard Fred and George say that Harry Potter was on the train. I admit, at first, as a little girl, i was dazzled. But nobody knew that i actually used to pretend that Harry Potter was my best friend after hearing his story every single night as a bed time story because i didn't have anyone else. I grew up on his story, but most girls fangirled over him because he was the 'Boy Who Lived' or the 'Savior' as everyone said. What i saw was someone i had pretended to have tea parties with since i was three years old because nobody else would do that for me. But i never knew that he would be the love of my life one day.

 _"Harry, you're cheating!" Five year old Ginny huffed as she crossed her arms over her chest and turned away from imaginary Harry, who to Ginny, was sitting across from her on her bed after a failed game of muggle Tic-Tac-Toe._

 _"Ginny, who're you talking to?" Arthur called as he cracked the door open to Ginny's bedroom and poked his head in, curious as to who his daughter was talking to._

 _"Harry Potter, daddy, he is cheating!" Ginny sniffed, pointing to the piece of parchment that was on the bed on top of an old tatty cook book. There was a bunch of X's and O's and it was clear the X's kept winning._

 _Arthur furrowed his brows and stepped into to room, walking over to the flower printed bed and sitting on top of it, only to be immediately scolded by his daughter_

 _"Don't sit on him, dad!" Ginny squeaked, pointing to the spot on the bed that Arthur had taken a seat in. Arthur stood up quickly, muttering an apology to 'Harry' and moving to sit next to his daughter, who had recrossed her arms and poked her lip out._

 _Arthur glanced at the parchment on the bed and he sighed. He couldn't help but feel bad that his daughter appeared to be so lonely in such a big family that she needed to pretend to have an imaginary best friend. But he couldn't just shut down her imagination like that, so he decided to play along for the sake of his daughter's energetic mind._

 _"Now Pumpkin, I'm sure Harry didn't mean to cheat," Arthur reassured her gently, putting an arm around her and running a soft finger through her straight ginger locks. Ginny shook her head at her father's words._

 _"No look, he crossed out one of my O's!" Ginny defended herself, pointing to a number of crossed out O's. Ginny had done them herself, and Arthur had guessed that because nobody else was in the room._

 _"I'm sure Harry's very sorry for cheating, Pumpkin maybe he wants to say sorry?" Arthur offered to her, pointing the the spot where 'Harry' was sitting. Ginny looked over at the spot, wanting to stay mad at her best friend, but after a second of glaring at what Arthur saw was nothing, Ginny smiled, and hopped off the bed and 'hugged' Harry, smiling widely at her imaginary best friend._

 _"You're sorry is 'Kay!" Ginny spoke, forgiving Harry for cheating at the game._

Most of my mother and father's friends that came over would see me chasing nobody - and would get confused when i would ask for a second juice box from the fridge because i wanted to give one to Harry. I often heard them asking my parents if i was right in the head because i would say my best friend was Harry Potter and that he was very nice to me and liked to braid my hair.

 _"Your daughter - Who is she talking to?"_

 _"Harry Potter."_

My parents were never ashamed of me when anyone asked. They acted as if it was the most normal thing to have their daughter pretending to have an imaginary friendship with the savior of the wizarding world. They always went to my defense when someone would comment about how i wasn't right in the head. Like how when the Ministry meetings were sometimes held at the burrow when something happened, and the Ministry co-workers would be in the kitchen i would walk in, holding hands with imaginary Harry Potter. I remembered Lucius Malfoy narrowing his eyes at me as i was having a conversation with Harry in the corner of the kitchen, a little ways from the table where the meeting was being held. I remember him asking me who i was talking to when i replied that it was Harry Potter. I remember him snorting and my father glaring at the back of the man's head for daring to question my imagination.

'Leave her be, Lucius,' My father would say to him sharply. No doubt the man had told his son Draco about this when he got older. I never saw what the big deal is back when i was a little girl. I had thought i was completely normal. That i was just playing with my best friend. But now, being sixteen years old i understand perfectly.

Seeing Harry for the first time, in my house, sat in the very chair where i had once played muggle Musical Chairs with imaginary him, made my heart stop for just a moment. It was weird how when i looked at him, he had the messiest black hair - straight but stuck up all around, the most amazing green eyes that one could look into, creamy skin, and such an innocent smile. Weird how all these years i had pictured him with red hair like me and sort of windswept hair and he had been shorter than me because as a little girl i wanted to feel big. The eyes is what got to me most. I thought it was rather stunning how i had imagined him with just the eyes he had. Those brilliant green eyes i could have sworn he could look into the future with. But what i saw as well was the same loneliness held within those green orbs that i had in my own doe like brown eyes. It kinda hurt though, that the one i had pretended was my best friend for years to keep from feeling lonely seemed to not even know me.

Now i know it may be impossible to guess right exactly what his eye colour was but i swear it's true. My older brothers, Bill and Charlie, used to be babysat by James Potter, Harry's dad, during the summer when they were little. Mum told me that Mr. Potter was about fourteen when my parents allowed him to start babysitting them. And my brothers adored him. Bill and Charlie told me all about how mum and dad were good friends with James' mother and father, Harry's grandparents, and how they had noticed James being particularly depressed that summer, so they thought little kids may cheer him up and keep him busy from thinking of whatever was bothering him, in which they later found out it was because of another rejection by Lily Evans, Harry's mother.

I've seen a picture of her one time. Bill and Charlie have taken a picture with her when James took them to the muggle park and Lily happened to be there at the same time. Bill had told me she seemed surprised that James liked to watch kids and she ended up babysitting that day along side James one day in the summer before their sixth year and they took a picture together using Lily's muggle camera. Bill and Charlie took the picture, but I'm not sure who has it now, and i remembered Charlie showing me the picture when i was three and i was immediately drawn to the woman's eyes. That's how i saw Harry with the same ones all these years and plus the red hair like mine. I think little me wanted him to be like me, I'm not sure.

 _"Who 'at?" Three year old Ginny asked as she sat up in her bed, pointing at the picture Charlie was showing her. She couldn't stop staring at the eyes. The eyes of the woman whom was Lily Potter. She was mesmerised by the green color, and the red hair that was like hers, except a darker red while Ginny's was a bit more light._

 _"You heard the story of Harry Potter, didn't you?" Charlie asked her, smiling at her just a little bit. Ginny nodded. At this age, she had heard his story every night for the past week now. Charlie looked at the picture again, sighing, and handing it to the little girl. "This is his mummy."_

 _Ginny took the little picture in his hands and ran a tiny finger across the woman's features. She was also a little stunned that the picture wasn't moving like all the ones in their house._

"Pretty..." she whispered. Shamefully, she meant more the eyes were pretty then her face. But Lily was indeed a very pretty woman.

Seeing Harry for once, i had to run back up the stairs to see if i was imagining things. When i was nine, Fred and George had to break it to me that Harry was just in my imagination and that he wasn't actually there. A part of me felt angry when they told this to me because here they were, leaving me at home alone every summer and doing their own thing when they got back, and they dared to take away the only friend i had to play with. My best friend. I stomped away, and for a week after that i pretended he was still there just to show everyone that i wasn't listening to them. But deep down, i grew bored and eventually realised he wasn't really here with me. Probably out somewhere else doing Merlin knows what.

Seeing him, was one of the highlights of my life.

Again, i never told anyone this, but it's all true. I used to be weak and never show it. And Harry often told me that it's my biggest issue. But i never listened to him and pretended that i didn't know what he was talking about.

 _"Ginny." Harry whispered to Ginny as he ran a soft finger through her red hair. The couch beneath them was soft, and the Gryffindor common room was empty. The fireplace lit up the room as the two teenagers laid cuddled on the couch together, Harry resting his head onto her chest. He loved to be the little spoon and Ginny didn't have a problem with it._

 _"Hm?" Ginny hummed in reply, racing the collar of his shirt with a soft finger, sighing in satisfaction as he reached up to run his fingers through her hair. It felt good when he did that._

 _"You know you don't have to be so strong all the time," He whispered to her, planting a soft kiss on her chest and staring into the fire along with her. He felt her swallow just a bit._

 _"I don't know what you mean," Ginny spoke softly to him, planting a kiss in return on the top of his head._

 _"But you do," Harry said, concentrating on the feel of her hand running through his jet black locks and the crackling of the flames. "Firefly, I'm not dumb. Please tell me how you feel."_

 _"I love you."_

 _Silence filled the common room after Ginny spoke, the only sounds being that of the fire in the fireplace and the heartbeat of Ginny, whom Harry could hear with his ear pressed to her chest. He felt his own pulse quicken and the blush creep onto his cheeks, but was luckily covered up by the light of the flames._

 _"And i love you, Firefly."_

The first time i ever told him i loved him, we were cuddling in the common room. Shamefully, i loved cuddles. And me and Harry often fought to see who was going to be the little spoon. Harry always won but i didn't mind too much because i liked to run my hands through his hair. He was such a softy and he had no problem admitting it.

When i told him i loved him, it was like the second he called me out on something that was true, it set off something in my heart because for the first time in my life, someone had actually figured me out. Someone had actually knew me and cared enough about me to pay attention to me that much to see right through me. I never thought someone would ever come to know my heart the way he did. The way how he calmed me down whenever i saw Tom Riddle in the corner of the room, taunting me and gesturing for me to come with him. Harry would hold me as i shook and cried and i would feel so weak. So so weak because i was supposed to be known as the independent sassy trouble maker of the school. And there i would be, crying into the arms of the one i loved and shaking life a leaf during a hurricane. Harry was my backbone.

I gave him something eventually, that i had no intention of being returned. I wanted him to have it because it had been his since the day he had saved me in the Chamber of secrets. My virginity. I gave it to him after we had been dating for a while. I wanted to feel him. I wanted to love him and i wanted to be loved back. I wanted nothing more then for him to take me to be his. Is it bad that i wanted to do it with him because i started to feel like he was a figment of my imagination again?

 _"Oh god," Harry gasped in pleasure as Ginny trailed kisses down his bear chest. It was a mystery how Ginny had gotten up the boy's dorms but he sure as hell was glad that he had decided to skip dinner that night in the Great Hall._

 _Harry reached for the hem of her shirt, about to pull it up when he felt a soft hand go onto his wrist. He blinked and he looked at Ginny, who seemed to be wearing an emotionless expression. He instantly felt shame fill his body that he was about to do something that he didn't ask permission for._

 _"I- I'm sorry -"_

 _"It's okay," Ginny cut him off, cracking a tiny smile at him and rubbing his wrist a little. "If you want to, we can."_

 _Harry stared at her for a second, his curious eyes moving from her hand that was on his wrist, to her eyes, which now held certainty and love. But he couldn't be sure that she was sure. He didn't want to hurt her. And he didn't want this moment to be ruined. It would be his first time as well, and the emotional attachment built on this moment._

 _"A-Are you sure?" He asked her softly, swallowing a bit as he moved his other hand to cup her cheek gently. "I love you-"_

 _"I love you too, dork," Ginny spoke, her smile widening as she stood up and planted a soft kiss onto his lip. She pulled back and took his hands into hers. "I'm ready."_

When he broke up with me the first time, it was like a heart rip of the century. He claimed that it was for my safety, that Tom would get to me. But he didnt know that without him, i felt like Tom would get me even more then when i was with Harry. He had asked me to wait for him. Until Voldemort was gone and we could be together again. But i put on a brave face and did when not just him, what everyone else wanted me to do. Lead the D.A. As heartbroken as i was, i couldn't let it show - even while when i was practicing spells i would see Tom in the corner smirking at me as if my attempts at getting stronger were useless.

 _"Harry!" Ginny called, walking after him on the Hogwarts grounds as the boy walked away from her. "Harry, don't ignore me!"_

 _"Ginny, enough!" Harry finally said, spinning around to face her. It was evident he was trying to hold back tears as well as he stood in front of the girl he had broken up with a week ago. The girl that had his heart._

 _"No - It's not enough!" Ginny shot back, trying to keep her voice from cracking as she stared into the green orbs that were filling to the brim with years. "You're being a downright prat, you know, you don't understand what you're doing! I need you!"_

 _"And i need you too!" Harry shouted, throwing his hands in the air im frustration, letting a few tears slip. "That's why I'm doing this!"_

 _"Doing what?" Ginny rose her voice as well. They were lucky that there was nobody on the grounds right now, as it was reaching the evening and the sun was setting. "Throwing me away?"_

 _"I'm not throwing you away!" Harry defended himself. "I just cant let anything happen to you because of me!"_

 _"Look what you're doing now!" Ginny spoke, balling her fists at her side and staring at him. She felt ashamed. Ashamed that she had let a few tears roll down her cheeks as well. Ashamed that she actually felt so scared._

 _"I'm sorry..." Harry dropped his voice to a whisper, looking down at the ground in front of him. "But i'd rather break your heart, then see you dead..."_

 _The silence filled between them. And Ginny swallowed, staring at him with an unknowing expression on her face. She didn't know what to say. Or what to do._

 _Silently, she stepped closer to him, reaching up to touch his cheek and wiped away the bit of tears that had rolled down his face, staining his fave sith tear tracks._

 _"You big dummy," She whispered to him, attempting to smile sadly. "I love you..."_

 _"I love you too."_

I came a long way since i was a little girl. This lonely, sad, little bugger with a sense of adventure and an imaginary friend, to a young woman who ended up falling for the dummy that just wanted to be loved as much as i did.

I fell and i fell hard.

To whoever finds this, Ginny Weasley.

Droplets of tears hit the page as Harry finished reading the letter and he let out a shakey breath as he hung his head, the letter floating to the floor as he tried to cover up the sobs that escaped his lips.

It had been three months since Ginny had went missing after the final battle. All that was left of her was her bedroom, which had remained the same and untouched. Harry sat on her bed, looking around at her room when he had, which he was ashamed about, had opened one of her drawers and saw the letter.

Harry put his face in his hands, his quiet sobs echoing around the room as his heart broke even more then it already had when they had announced that they couldn't find Ginny. He didn't know how he could pick up the pieces of his broken heart, and for the last three months, every time he went out to search for her, he came up empty and would come home mad lay in her bed and cry, holding what seemed to he a half ripped up stuffed teddy bear laying under one of her pillows. And Harry woke up the same way every morning, asking himself why and expecting Ginny to wake up beside him.

"Ginny.." Harry whispered in a cracked voice, his hands shaking. "Please come back..."

 _"Please come back..."_

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End file.
